Killing Our Need For Affirmation

A while back, some friends shared a story about how they'd led an area of children's ministry for years and had been thanked a total of two maybe three times. They felt "burnt out" -- common language in volunteer world --and their emotional tank was running on empty because of it. A people-pleaser by nature especially as a child, many stories flooded to my brain about teachers I'd worked hard for without a thank-you, underappreciative bosses, and small jobs accomplished with no kind words.

I remember first becoming aware of this dynamic at a church I volunteered at for a number of years. If we succeeded in our intended goals, the sentiment from the leader was noticeably, "Great job!" not "Thank you!" The assumption on the leaders' part was that volunteers wanted to be there because 1) they loved doing a given position 2) they had some sort of clear picture or "vision" about what to work towards... succeeding meant a "high five" was more appropriate than "thanks!" It struck me for the first time that volunteers weren't helping fulfill someone else's vision in order to be good people (which would, in fact, mean a "thank you!" is needed). Rather, we were working towards a common goal together. We still had a clear leadership structure, but the vision wasn't owned by only a few. I'd never experienced that before. And it was painful! At first I grew resentful at various leaders... "How could you be so callous?? You don't thank any of us for all the hard work we do! Either you don't SEE it, which makes you blind, or you're choosing to ignore it, which makes you a jerk."

I really liked other aspects of the church, and by that time I'd made a number of close friends volunteering. And I couldn't imagine myself anywhere else, so for whatever reason I stayed, and stayed. And stayed. I asked (complained to?) God constantly about this one. It just didn't seem fair for those of us doing all the legwork to get no complimentary compensation. And the more I went to God with this, the more I felt like God would stare back at me with a giant hand and pat me on the back. "Way to go!" he'd say. This became our routine. The more I did this, the more God was able to meet that need.

I don't have much to recommend young leaders as I still am a young leader. But if I had to choose one, this would be pretty close to the top: start immediately getting your need for affirmation met by God alone. The reason is because of the stakes of what we do. What amount of pats on the back can compensate for influencing another human towards a positive life change? My model for this is Jesus on the cross. Can you imagine if while hanging there, battered and bloody and running out of air, Jesus looked into the heavens and screamed, "Did you catch the irony here, Lord? The very people I'm dying for didn't even THANK me for doing this!" Seems a little out of place.

A better alternative: volunteering out of a sense of agreement, excitement, or connection with the stated vision of a particular ministry. Funnily enough for me, I actually started volunteering out of a sense of duty; I signed a "membership covenant" with this particular church and had agreed to volunteer, even though I didn't really want to. But after a while and integrating with some other volunteers and leaders, I grew to really like it. So there's no one way to do it, but I'm sold that over the long run, connecting with a vision that excites you (read: with God's help & direction) is worth a few hours every month. I just am not able to do something out of a sense of duty for years upon years - I'd rather spend some time searching for a vision that motivates me, and gladly hop on board. Or even start my own venture! It's helped me to see the power of a collective effort. It's helped me to make friends. It's helped me to befriend people with backgrounds much different than my own. Perhaps the biggest: it's helped me to get my "well done"s from God alone.

It's helped me to understand what one pastor I served under said (from the pulpit!), "If you are excited about what we're doing here at this church, don't thank me. JOIN me."

In church, what would things be like if we didn't need to hear another thank-you again... ever? What if the deepest nooks and crannies of our souls were filled with satisfaction that came right from God? Perhaps a better title for this would be "redirecting" our need for affirmation.

Does Wondering Help You?

A common theme lately in Kids' Church, we had an open discussion about loving your enemies ("love" meaning something you show or do that's positive). What does it mean, why is it worth mentioning, how do we do that when it's hard, etc. A thoughtful student, wheels clearly turning, asked curiously, "Does that mean we have to love Satan?" He was referring to the Bible dubbing Satan "the Enemy", so if we're supposed to love our enemies, wouldn't Satan be, like, the ultimate possibility? While I recommended against this for a few reasons, I loved his curiosity and the fact that he was really processing what this type of living would look like.

I can't help but return to this type of awe-and-wonder curiosity about many things like marriage, adulthood, art, ministry, friendship, sexuality, and the list goes on. Probably some childhood wounding, I'm usually skeptical if not put off by those who are ultra-certain or rigid about any of these areas. While I don't personally lean as far as, "How can we be sure of ANYTHING?", I do think we adults lose this childlike approach to examining the world. As the boy in class proved to me, it seems like we can experience a fresh wave of inspiration at the least, and perhaps even discover a world of conversation and depth with God.

The implications in ministry seem clear to me: asking children take-home questions instead of take-home points, making interaction with the Bible a (much) higher priority than memorizing the Bible, and defining ministry success on other terms than "certain of X worldview" (how about discovery? friendship/relationships? curiosity?). What do you think?

iCamp

If you haven't heard the pitch, here it is - iCamp is a new type of summer camp we designed from the ground up here at our church for 9-12 year olds. The main event was an afternoon community project each day - we called up nonprofits around the city and asked, “Hey, we’re here, how can we help?”. Then we sent teams of kids to accomplish those projects. So we did everything from yardwork at people’s houses to walking dogs at the humane society to sorting, folding, & racking the store-room at Salvation Army.

iCamp ran Mon-Fri, and each morning we had our two resident kids-games-professionals lead strategic games for each team of kids. For example, picture two 10-foot planks lying on the ground parallel, with foot straps (like skis), 4 kids lined up single file, each with feet in the ski straps. The only way to move is to step in unison as a team throughout the obstacle course, and then you have to do it blindfolded :-). The fastest team wins the points, and each day points accumulate to an awards ceremony at the end of the week.

Wednesday night included a lock-in here at the church (or as I will remember it, "the neverending pillow fight"). We also had mini church services at the beginning and end of each day to give context to what we're doing - we're not just trying to be good people here, we're trying to connect to a larger purpose we think God is inviting us into. We're aiming to see great things happen for us as we try to help others. In churchy terms, we're not just hoping for good things from afar, we're hoping to be the miracle for people and businesses all over Twin Falls. What struck me was the growth and learning that took place seemingly every day. Anyone who works with kids can tell you it's hard to tell if you're making any sort of immediate impact - often the growth is more long-term. Each day, though, I heard things like:

I didn't know the Humane Society did this everyday.

I'm so glad we were able to help those people.

I can't imagine doing this all day long like the people who work here.

Two favorite stories. #1: Doing yardwork one day at an elderly man's house -- I'll call him Tom -- Tom came out of his house, loudly and cheerfully thanked all the kids for their help, and then turned to me with a quieter look on his face. Tom is a widower of only two months. "I just wanted to say thank you to these kids for their help. I haven't been able to come out here since my wife died." He started to cry, and continued with some additional kind words. Turns out it was also the hottest day of our summer so far in Twin Falls that day, so between the painful memories and 100 degree heat, Tom was thankful for the kids' help.

#2: While at The Safe House (transition house for orphans or abused children/teens), 3 iCamp girls were sorting clothes in a closet, when in walked a 14 year old girl who had just come from being strangled by mom. She was there to get help/clothes/food. The Director asked our adult volunteer if the girl could come into the closet to pick out some clothes. Well, the 3 girls who were in the closet totally welcomed in this girl with excitement and interest, helped the girl pick out clothes, got to know her, etc. It was anything and everything they could do to show love to her, and they did it without thinking.

Also, a secular children's organization has shown interest in sending over a large swath of kids to join us next year for iCamp 2011. We're pumped! Thanks again to all the volunteers - without which iCamp wouldn't have happened - many of whom took time off work to be a part. Can't wait for next year!

Lead the Way God Made You

This is easily my latest favorite children's ministry book. Whenever I read any explicitly "Christian" literature these days, the only way it clicks with me is if it helps me. I don't do well with sentimental, abstract writing that feels good but does nothing to tangibly benefit me. So this book struck me immediately: author Larry Shallenberger put lots of thought into the "why"s behind the things he recommends, and is able to back it up with experience and wisdom.

Larry has an interesting background; if I have my story straight he went from seminary to being a case worker at a children's mental health facility for 7 years. I believe this gives him the unique ability to assess and analyze people's strengths and weaknesses, with the added benefit of being able to fully and precisely articulate them. I've taken plenty of personality assessments, but I hadn't ever taken a leadership assessment, which Larry offers in chapter one. With a clear appreciation for theatre -- another thing that attracted me to Larry & this book, his love for the arts -- the book sorts leadership into six categories/types. I kept having these moments while reading about the various types, "Aha! I know a person just like that!"

If you're curious, I scored a whopping ZERO as a Theater Manager. I tied for an overwhelming first place with the odd combination of Director and Production Assistant. When I told this to my pastor/boss, he looked at me and said, true to his blunt cowboy roots, "You're weird."

I was so helped by Larry's assessment because I was able to pin down my natural aptitudes in leadership, which I hadn't been able to do before. I always figured as a children's director/pastor, your job was to wear 1,000 different hats and be good at all of them all the time. Also, I graduated from Berklee College of Music as a performance major on bass guitar. And as a child I felt that church was strange and irrelevant. So I'm not drawing from a well of intuition from years of successful ministry, yet I find myself with clear pictures of what our children's ministry could and should look like (I've lost sleep over my many "aha" moments), and usually can figure out how to get there.

This review is obviously part life story and part book review, but that's exactly why I'm writing it - it had an impact on me, and I believe it will for any children's worker. Check out Larry's blog at www.larryshallenberger.com. Also, you can read the first 50 or so pages for free. Check it out!

So.... What's In It For Me?

I realized that last month, June, marked 2 years of being a children's director. I was honored by the small celebration that was thrown for me:

Anyway, at three of the four church services we have per week we have "Kids Church", a large-group gathering for 1-6th graders. I've noticed something that seems to make or break my success in Kids Church. With whatever I'm talking about, it comes down to my ability to answer this question, "How does this benefit me?" So if I'm talking about something and children leave for the day not knowing how it benefits them, I've lost. If I've been engaging, interactive, fun, and discussed lots of meaty stuff, but they haven't made the connection to how it helps them, I've lost. It seems like when they've made that connection, they're much more apt to go and DO the things we're talking about that day.

For example. I delivered a message I titled, "Brothers and sisters!" I suppose the idea was to speak meaningfully to those with siblings, and be broad enough so that "only-childs" would get something good, too. I had games, I was fluid in my speaking, I had spontaneous examples and stories, energy, and spoke with conviction. And it flopped. Kids were bored, unresponsive, best I could tell didn't take anything of value with them... I could go on.

Case study 2, a message called, "How To Have the Best Life Ever With Your Parents!" Immediately there's a sense of movement; it's not just creative packaging. Suddenly there's a destination in mind. How DO you have the best life ever with your parents? Could God help us figure that out, even drastically improve the quality of our lives with our parents'... now? Set us on a helpful path forward? Now we're having a real discussion, rather than simply, "The Bible says to obey them."

Using all of the same elements as before (interaction, discussion, games, fun movie clips, etc.), 1st graders were donating comments left and right. My 7th grade volunteers who help make Kids Church possible (ushers, greeters, etc.) had ears fully perked. One girl in 3rd grade took notes, which was a first. And it seems like a lot of kids were helped whether it was something I said or something God did for them that day. But there was a clear connection that happened for many, "Oh... THAT'S how this will benefit me. I'd be foolish not to try it."

I wonder what children's ministry would look like with this question in our minds... I wonder if it would change the content, delivery, and style of our Sunday mornings for the better?