The Idiot's Guide to Interpersonal Conflict

No, this isn't written from the perspective of, "A guide for complete beginners." It's okay to laugh.

1) Talk loudly, and interrupt frequently. It's important to work out your problems in the height of your emotional distress. Best case scenario, write an angry letter, and DO send it.

2) Exaggerate your case. If necessary, bring your children into the conversation, and use the word "devastated," as in, "My children are devastated that you think I have a bad attitude."

3) If you can't avoid the conflict entirely, try to resolve your conflict via email. About 90% of communication is nonverbal, so bank on the 10% to get your points across clearly. This way, you can say everything you need to say without being interrupted, and the other person just has to take it. Like a bullet.

4) If you are the avoidant type, become resentful that you are even having the conflict in the first place. Use phrases like, "In my 15 years of being in X position or at Y job, I've never had such difficulty!" The problem, after all, is them. It's not you. You are too mature, wise, and flawless to have any character defects after this long. I mean, you get along with everyone else so well, so surely the problem is with them. Especially if you are Christian, Jesus has been "working on you" for a long, long time, and has ironed out your most noticeable imperfections. Consider Him on your side. Religious fodder (whether implicit or explicit) is especially welcome in the world of interpersonal conflict.

5) Since your intentions were obviously great, please, by all means, do NOT -- I repeat, do NOT -- consider or acknowledge the other person's feelings! Bad things will happen to you if you do. Well-intentioned people rarely make mistakes, and when they do, your convo buddy should be expected to overlook them because, hey, you didn't mean to sound like a priggish jerkweasel. You didn't intend it, so therefore it isn't true.

Hope this helps!

To Glee or Not to Glee?

Standing on the busy, hurried subway in Boston, I waited for the driver to announce, "Hynes Convention Center", the station where my college was located. The unspoken rule of personal space made itself most known in the sea of mp3 players surgically attached to people's heads, or the free local Metro newspaper in their hands. Everyone on the subway has a destination; no one rides it for leisure or to meet people... it's utilitarian. Just like conversations that take place while riding. "Get out of my way, please," or, "You dropped your iPod."

Enter the children.

Children don't purposefully do anything for utility. Everything is an opportunity to be observed, eaten, or spoken to. Hoping Hynes would quickly approach, I stood there nervously as a nearby mother of one sat down with baby in stroller. I thought, "Please, no... just... DANGIT." She sat and turned the stroller right towards me. "Great. Now what do I do? He's staring right at me. He? Or is it she? I can never tell when they're that young. That's why I don't say anything... moms are sick of little Jennifer being admired for dad's strong jaw and future in baseball." Silence, except for the subway clatter. "I mean, what do I DO? S/he just keeps looking at me, waiting for me to do something. I mean, what am I supposed to do, entertain them? Nod approvingly as though I relate to mom's maternal attachment to her child? Make a balloon animal? STOP STARING AT ME!"
***

I wonder if you can relate. Especially in college, everyone else around me seemed to know instinctively what to do with kids, and I didn't relate to any of it. I only really knew how to be me, if that. On a plane, at the store, at work: you can't escape them, and they're looking at you. Well if you're like me, you feel compelled to rise to the occasion. It's a tendency I'm calling the Ronald McDonald syndrome. It's that urge inside of you to act like a clown to elicit a response from a staring child.
I suspect Children's Ministry strikes many, many people (especially males) as some kind of Ronald McDonald hell, where they'll have to be someone they're not for all eternity, entertaining children with an extremely limited amount of natural talent. Who you are becomes not as important as who XYZ church requires you to be. "They're all going to stare at me, and I won't know what to do," is possibly one of the greatest fears to newcomers.

Two sobering questions for thought/conversation: is this actually true of your organization? That is, will volunteers indeed know what to expect and do? Second, what would your organization look like if you spoke meaningfully to this fear, relentlessly and clearly? That is, if people knew exactly what your organization was like, do you think they'd want to come?

How Important is Interaction?

Well, it's the middle of June, so you know what that means: time to talk about Christmas! One of my favorite things about the holiday season is the endless airplay of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Gene Wilder went to my wife's alma mater, University of Iowa, where they've immortalized him in a picture on the wall and I'm told they named something after him... a building perhaps. My favorite scene from the movie happens when the kids set foot in the Factory's chocolate river room... take a look:

I love that... "everything is edible." Every ounce of that room bleeds with the call to interact. It isn't meant to be looked at or appreciated or complimented. It's to be interacted with. It's great how things that were once "blah" are now fun and imaginative: a building, a mushroom, grass. Things that at one time may have been a new discovery for me, but having gotten used to them, they're fun to rediscover.

Now, of course, that idea of rediscovery can be seen everywhere... what if marriage were that way, or our jobs... etc. Is the road into a life of refreshing discovery paved with interaction?

What about children's ministry? It seems like when you sign up to volunteer at a church, many people feel enormous pressure to "teach something," especially for those who grew up going to churches. So we get caught up teaching memory verses, "one main point" curriculum, and rewarding those kids who do well in this model. But what if our goal was to engage kids with the story of the Bible, or their own life stories, or even our life stories? What if we approached all areas of ministry with the goal of interaction?

Production Quality and Children's Ministry

Annie and I recently rented Michael Jackson's "This Is It". For those who don't know, Jackson was planning on one last world tour, using only fan-favorite songs. The DVD mentioned that something like 50 concert dates went on sale online and within just an hour or two they were completely sold out. Months of rehearsals and millions of dollars spent on production & personnel, and Jackson died just weeks before his first concert date in London. "This Is It" is a collection of Jackson & crew's rehearsals leading up to his death. They weave "rehearsal moments" in with Jackson's mock performances, and it's a blast.
It's hard for me to contain my excitement when I talk about it because, wow, we were blown away. We were blown away on a number of different levels.

- The production quality. Top-level dancers, musicians, stage managers, lighting & sound techies, stuntmen, computer crew, etc. all collaborating towards one man's vision. As you quickly find out, Jackson is hands on with many different aspects of the show. Millions of dollars worth of pyrotechnics, dozens of lighting and sound crew fixated on Jackson's snap-of-the-finger for their next cue. Just for rehearsals! And get this: there's a ginormous LED theater-sized screen behind him playing pre-filmed clips & movies created just for this tour. Filming obviously required a film crew, set, costumes, make-up, etc... a full-on movie production to be played during the concert. Somehow Jackson & crew successfully spliced himself into an old Humphrey Bogart movie in the filming of a music video for Smooth Criminal:

- Jackson's creative voice. He can say anything he wants to the band, techies, or stage manager, and it's pretty much guaranteed that it's going to happen. He's been doing this for so long and knows exactly what he wants and needs that everyone gives 150%, and gets paid 150%, to make it happen. Annie noticed that if anyone had something to say to Jackson -- rarely did they -- it came through one point person. I'm forgetting his title, stage manager?, but Jackson didn't have 40 people talking to him or asking him questions. Everyone knew the game plan, and any suggestions funneled through Jackson's trusted assistant/stage manager guy. Very cool.

- The talent. An international talent competition was held just for the back-up dance crew a la American Idol (Round 1, Round 2, Round 3, eliminations, etc.). What got my attention is that Jackson was over 50 at time of filming and could still pull off some of his signature moves, eliciting cheers and hollers from his uber-talented backup crew. Also, I didn't even realize Jackson played with a live band, but he does, and you can YouTube any of them to get your mind blown. From edgy, blazing guitarist Orianthi to the rock-solid rhythms of Jonathan Moffett, it's hard to go wrong.

- Of course, the music. Not much to say here, other than you can go listen to the whole album for free on grooveshark or lala.com. However much I was a fan before, I'm a bigger fan now.

I mentioned this DVD to a few of my colleagues on staff here, and turns out a few of them had watched it and were blown away by all the same things. A few of us dreamed about what our departments could look like if things were done with the clarity, smoothness, talent/training, and hard work that were executed during This Is It. One thing we're working on in the children's department towards this end is defining every position and responsibility on paper. This way volunteers will have a clear picture of what's expected and what to work towards.

Your turn: what things have you found to be helpful in running a class, organization, family, etc. in terms of "production quality"?

The Discipline Guide

Thought I'd pass on a short review of a book I read a few months back called The Discipline Guide to Children's Ministry by Jody Capehart, Gordon West, & Becki West. Nerd that I am, I usually do some quick & dirty research on who writes the books that I read, and all three authors are definitely from the "education" bent. Jody has both founded and led schools, and the West's consult for Christian education. So to get our perspective in order, it's written from the viewpoint of long-time teachers.

For better or worse, the book draws a fair amount from the DISC personality assessment. So in addition to thinking about my own teaching style and technique, this book helped me to think of myself as a student again and my own personality based on the DISC model. This was helpful in giving me a context for the tips & techniques the authors suggest.

Also, the book is extremely readable. It's not too lofty, so I could imagine any old schmoe picking up the book and giving it a go. The authors pepper the meaty book with many entertaining stories from their own classrooms. One chapter I found very helpful breaks down kids into age groups and grades and says, "Here's what you can probably expect from X age group." So not only does the book use personality to guide discipline, it takes age into account.

Many of the authors' concrete suggestions are given under the assumption that your kids program is run like a classroom. So, some of the tips might be tough to apply in, say, a large group setting, or in a discussion-based model like small groups. That said, there are some "guiding principles" along with Bible passages discussed throughout, as well as questions answered like, "Why do children misbehave in the first place?" which apply to any situation. So I found that for any shortcomings the book has in terms of relevance it makes up for in terms of helpfulness.

Throughout, the book provides xerox-able forms and even entire, scripted training seminars for readers to use. All fantastic resources! Though, I didn't always relate to the language used in these "scripts". I.e. giving teachers sweet and sour candies and asking how that experience is like disciplining kids. "Well, didn't taste good at first, but as I continued it got better." Duh. Sorry, I won't talk down to my teachers like they're preschoolers. That said, in the grand scheme this is not a big complaint, and nothing that can't be modified. There are moments like this throughout the book, but I have to imagine this is true of any discipline book - there's an abundance of suggestions and tips, so you take the ones that apply to you, and move on.

So, clearly lots of good things to be said on my part. While I can't imagine anyone who thinks they're doing well with classroom management would read this book, for newcomers or long-timers looking for some help I'd highly recommend it.

How Do You Lead?

Thanks again to everyone for your info last week! It's fun for me to hear from various children's leaders who have some experience under their belt. In reading his blog, I learned that Larry Shallenberger has a few books published, and in addition to being drawn to other self-identified creative types, I read a few chapters on Google Books of Lead the Way God Made You. I ordered a copy immediately afterwards, and couldn't be more excited. What I really liked about what I read is that Larry gives a context to people like me who, otherwise, might have a hard time making sense of our mix of interests/passions.

So as many of you know, I graduated from Berklee College of Music with a degree in (SPOILER ALERT!) music, specifically electric bass. And I couldn't be more thankful for my time there. Soon after college, I landed an unexpected job as an after school caregiver/tutor to inner city kids in Cambridge, MA (did you know that Cambridge -- home to Harvard and MIT -- has an "inner city"? Well... it DOES!). Combine that with a strong entrepreneurial spirit. I remember being 7 years old going door to door with my best friend trying to re-sell screwdrivers and other oddities trying to raise money for Six Flags tickets. We didn't get them. But we did make $7 profit in an hour once, which was pretty sweet. I've also been researching stocks and businesses for over three years in my off-hours. No one told me to; I just do it because it interests me.

Or more recently, I unexpectedly took up woodworking. While I played some sports here and there, I wouldn't ever consider myself the athletic type. Working with my hands wasn't even a little bit on my radar, but yet I love it. I plan to open up an online shop soon to sell lamp bases in partnership with my wife, Annie -- the only person I know whose entrepeneurship exceeds my own! -- who already has a thriving lampshade business.

And now I'm the children's director at a church. Leading a team of people to try to accomplish something that could make a long, long-lasting impact in kids' lives, and inviting God daily to help us discover and rediscover what this means, is something I love. I couldn't be more thankful to be here.

So that's me - the woodworking, bass-playing, business-minded, bookworm, children's guy who is trying his best to reinvent what children's ministry could and should be. While sitting here listening to Chick Corea's My Spanish Heart. What about you? What strange mix of skills do you find unexpectedly tie in to what you do now? Do they all somehow converge in a weird way to meet your life's needs, or are they distinct but still fun?

Leader Profile: Keith Wilsey/Twin Falls, ID

Our offices are closed on Monday, hence the missing leader profile that day. So, today you get a double-dose. Here's Keith:

1. Where are you from, and in what ways do you lead children? How long have you done it?

I have been asked that question before, but in a different context. Usually the question is posed, " What planet are YOU from?".

With THAT in mind, I am from the planet called Western Washington where I grew up. I have had great opportunity to live in Montana, Wyoming, Nevada and here in Idaho. In each place I wondered if I made a mistake. In each place, I grew where I was planted and was sad to leave. I got involved in kids ministry and youth group while in Nevada eleven years ago. Being a parent of three plus an almost teenager, I realize they always have much to teach me as an adult. A fathers heart will love and protect.

2. Myers-Briggs?

Is this a new aspirin? Just kidding. I think I have taken this personality test so many times over the years that I have multiple personalities. My giftings from God are teaching and mercy

3. If you had to pick, what's one thing all/most children's leaders (on any level) should do?

Take time, have fun and be a kid when you can. Do not take yourself too seriously, confess to each other, lift each other up...oh wait, you only wanted one...

4. Should never do?

Don't ever turn your back on those sweet little people for one minute:) They will paint their hair, color their hands, write interesting notes on the whiteboard and do it all in the name of surprising you.

5. Other than faith, what's the one thing you'd like to pass along to your kids?

Be thankful for what you do have. a crises for a lot of kids is when there IPOD breaks. A crises for many kids is wondering if someone will ever love them and care for them.

6. One thing you'd do this year for kids if you had unlimited time, money, and energy?

I would build some kind of educational center as part of the church where kids can learn how God is in science, How creation proves God's existence and show through the plant world how God does so many incredible things. (mustard tree as an example) This would be a place of learning, worship, safety, and learning how trust is built in relationships as they grow in different levels of their walk in life.

7. How about your biggest strength and weakness as a leader?

I love being hands on as a teacher. Meaning that I want to create things with them and experience as they experience things. To see things as they see them brings big advantages to understanding who they are and how they think and feel

Leader Profile: Jeff Heidkamp/Minneapolis, MN

1. Where are you from, and in what ways do you lead children? How long have you done it?

Minneapolis. I've been a day camp counselor, a teacher in a jail, a kids church volunteer, now I'm the senior pastor of a church with 80 kids, mostly under the age of 5.

2. Myers-Briggs?

ENTP

3. If you had to pick, what's one thing all/most children's leaders (on any level) should do?

Help kids feel loved by people and by God.

4. Should never do?

Use God to control kids through guilt

5. Other than faith, what's the one thing you'd like to pass along to your kids?

happiness

6. One thing you'd do this year for kids if you had unlimited time, money, and energy?

Take them to the ocean and to China

7. How about your biggest strength and weakness as a leader?

Strength: communicating vision

Weakness: long term follow through

Leader Profile: Kevin Doepp/Portland, ME

1. Where are you from, and in what ways do you lead children? How long have you done it?

I am originally from Long Island, NY but currently live in Maine. I am a father of three children and am married for going on 13 years. I, along with my wife, led our Children’s Ministry here at the Vineyard Portland for one year which she now leads on her own. I handle our outreach endeavors which includes the adoption of a local school. I have done that for one year in my role as the assistant pastor.

2. Myers-Briggs?

Not sure I have ever officially done that but my personality type is Choleric-Sanguine.

3. If you had to pick, what's one thing all/most children's leaders (on any level) should do?

Listen to Wes Stafford of Compassion International share his heart on children. It is mind-blowing!

4. Should never do? (Do share your juicy stories)

Betray their trust. There is so much out there competing for their time, energy and money—we need to let them know they can trust us always!

5. Other than faith, what's the one thing you'd like to pass along to your kids?

Taking risks in going for the dreams God has put inside of them.

6. One thing you'd do this year for kids if you had unlimited time, money, and energy?

I would develop a two-prong organization with centers all over the U.S. (to begin with) that gave children the opportunity to have their practical needs met along with instruction and guidance on living their lives for the dreams God put inside of them. Dreams are often lost on the children and youth of the world. I want more kids to grow up with the ability to go after the dreams God has given them and not allow the hindrances of their socioeconomic status’ to hold them back.

7. How about your biggest strength and weakness as a leader?

Biggest strength is being able to communicate effectively and biggest weakness is not knowing when to be quiet sometimes. Greatest strength can also be a glaring weakness!

Leader Profile: Abby Taylor/Twin Falls, ID

1. Where are you from, and in what ways do you lead children? How long have you done it?

I grew up in Twin Falls but moved away after High School. My husband and I moved back to Twin Falls last Summer from Austin, TX.

I am currently the Nursery Coordinator for AGF- in the past I have been a Children's Coordinator (for the church in Austin) and an employee in the Children's Department at RHEMA Bible Church (in Broken Arrow, OK). I have been doing Children's Ministry most of my life and I love it!

2. Myers-Briggs?

Don't know ??

3. If you had to pick, what's one thing all/most children's leaders (on any level) should do?

Love children!! And don't fake it- kids will know if you are being fake and insincere.

4. Should never do?

Have bad breath! Keep breath mints on hand at all times!

5. Other than faith, what's the one thing you'd like to pass along to your kids?

That God has a plan for their life and they are uniquely gifted and talented to do what God has for them.

6. One thing you'd do this year for kids if you had unlimited time, money, and energy?

Hmmmm- there are so many things! One thing I would do is build a state of the art facility for Before/After school care- a place for kids to come and get fed, play games, be loved and nourished. Another thing I would do is take them shopping and let them buy a brand new outfit, shoes and school supplies!

7. How about your biggest strength and weakness as a leader?

I would say my organization and experience are definitely strengths. My weakness would be taking for granted my experiences in Children's Ministry- because I have been around it so long it can be hard for me to communicate appropriately with people who haven't been in Children's Ministry before.

Leader Profile: Larry Shallenberger/Erie, PA

Here's the first of our five leadership profiles this week. We thought it might be fun to hear from some of the various people who are doing kids ministry at the moment. Without further ado, here's Larry.

1. Where are you from, and in what ways do you lead children? How long have you done it?

I'm from Erie, PA. When I first graduated from college I began working with children and youth at a residential mental health facility. I was a direct childcare worker and the a case manager for seven years. I joined my current church in 1997 as a children's pastor. I still oversee the children's ministry, but now I also lead the youth, college, and adult learning experiences as well.

2. Myers-Briggs?

That's a duo on Dancing with the Stars, right? Seriously, I've never taken that personality profile. The other batteries I've taken have me right on the line between introvert and extrovert.I don't mind being in front of a crowd, but I've got to have time alone to recharge. I'm task oriented and work at a high pace.

3. If you had to pick, what's one thing all/most children's leaders (on any level) should do?

Build teams. Every children's ministry needs to learn the art of giving ministry away.There's just too much to do. Ministry will always be challenging. But it doesn't need to be isolating.

4. Should never do?

Children's pastor should never allow their ministry to be silo-ed from the "big church." One of my pet-peeves is watching children's pastors design programs that don't mirror the core values and emphasizes of their large faith community. If the big church values small groups then your children's ministry needs to major in small groups. If you serve at a missional church then its incumbent on you to design experiences where children serve the community. In fact, family ministry for you might be designing opportunities for parents and children to serve together and then debrief afterwards.My own ministry didn't start getting traction until we released a kids worship album. The album was good. But I was shocked at how much energy and momentum came our way. I think the secret was our church was growing in the area of worship at the time and was making some big changes. We unintentionally aligned ourselves with the momentum in "big church" and benefited from it.

I get irritated when I listen to children's pastors who live in their ministry bubble, purchase plug-in-play curriculum that doesn't match the values of the church, and then pout that they aren't being supported by the senior pastor. It's on that leader to first support the senior pastor's vision.

5. Other than faith, what's the one thing you'd like to pass along to your kids?

I can think of a few things, in no order. I want my sons to be rapid Philadelphia Eagles fans.I want to model for them how to love their future wives sacrificially. And I want them to understand that creativity is a lifestyle that begins with a dream and ends with effort.

6. One thing you'd do this year for kids if you had unlimited time, money, and energy?

I'd get a hub of The Mentoring Project started in Erie. We're targeting the fall of 2011 but I'm not happy with that. Erie, PA has the highest number of children living under the poverty level per capita in the United States. Can you imagine the impact that will happen once we muster a platoon of mentors who'll invest themselves in the sons of single moms. We'll see kids finish high school and avoid violent crime. Those boys will avoid addiction and commit to be stand up men someday. If I had unlimited money I'd send it to Portland so they could increase their staff. But it's amazing to see just how much they've accomplished in such as short amount of time. Dr. Sowers is an incredible leader and its been fun to watch TMP's dream develop.

7. How about your biggest strength and weakness as a leader?

A strength that comes to mind is would be a capacity to explore. There always seems to be a canon of hot books and speakers Christian leaders buy into. This set of ideas get repeated, ad naseum, at conferences and blogs until all of our ministries end up looking and feeling live everyone else's. I prefer to venue out a bit and pick up ideas from different leaders and theologians to give my ministry a different feel.

A weakness would that I bias toward being task-oriented over being people-oriented.That tendency often has been checking off boxes and moving onto the next thing without stopping to appreciate people.

Thanks Larry! Larry has a fantastic blog for anyone interested: http://childrensministryandculture.wordpress.com/.